"The last supper" are the words that Evan said tonight as he walked at out of Sydney's room where I was breastfeeding Sydney for the last time. I, of course, was crying. This special relationship that Sydney and I have is indescribable. She "needs" me. I have provided her nourishment for 11 months.
I am having mixed emotions about being done with breastfeeding. On one hand, I am ready to be done. I'm ready to be able to go away for the day and not have to worry about whether Sydney is going to take a bottle or not. I'm ready to have my body back. I'm ready to be able to have Evan get up in the middle of the night and give her a bottle. I'm ready.
On the flip side of that, I'm sad to end this wonderful relationship that I have with Sydney. I know it's not true, but a part of me is thinking that she will not "need" me anymore. I am worried that she is going to want to nurse, and I won't have any milk for her. I am scared that I am taking away a huge source of comfort for her. I'm not ready.
I have learned in the last two and a half years that motherhood is full of happiness, surprises, and guilt. This is just one little part of that. I was so happy when breastfeeding worked out for Sydney and I (it didn't for Carson and I...that is another story). I was surprised that it lasted this long, that it was an easy thing, and that it was such an honor to get to nurse her. The quilt? Well, it is weaning her.
Don't look at the pictures if you don't want to see me nursing Sydney. You can't see anything, but just warning you! ;) Oh, and please excuse the way I look. I am REALLY sick!